By Jennifer Nguyen | Illustration: Jes Mason
By Jennifer Nguyen | Illustration: Jes Mason
By Jennifer Nguyen | Illustration: Jes Mason
By Jennifer Nguyen | Illustration: Jes Mason
Since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, third-year global management student Alma Jones has found herself religiously shopping on Amazon for items she could easily get from a nearby grocery store—like a twin pack of mouthwash.
“Why do I do this? Because #StayHomeSaveLives,” said Jones, who is blissfully unaware how that’s hardly the case for the warehouse workers fulfilling her orders, who are being put to work in an environment where there’s a high risk of catching COVID-19.
Being the world’s biggest online retailer, Amazon knows better than to betray its most reliable source of income: millions of loyal customers like Jones, who are benefitting the company every second of every day.
“Ignorance is bliss, y’all. People don’t need to hear all that fuss about our maybe-questionable working conditions. What would happen to my sales bonus—I mean the greater good of Amazon, if they did?!” said Don T. Namemi, a marketing executive at Amazon that we confirmed was fired immediately following this interview.
Instead, what the public knows because Amazon wants them to is that CEO Jeff Bezos has donated some money to alleviate COVID’s impact, namely $100 million (0.05 per cent of his wealth) to Feeding America to support food banks across the U.S. In the spirit of “philanthropy,” he also put up a relief fund that welcomes donations from average citizens to help his own company’s partners and associates who are under “financial distress” from the pandemic.
Since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, third-year global management student Alma Jones has found herself religiously shopping on Amazon for items she could easily get from a nearby grocery store—like a twin pack of mouthwash.
“Why do I do this? Because #StayHomeSaveLives,” said Jones, who is blissfully unaware how that’s hardly the case for the warehouse workers fulfilling her orders, who are being put to work in an environment where there’s a high risk of catching COVID-19.
Being the world’s biggest online retailer, Amazon knows better than to betray its most reliable source of income: millions of loyal customers like Jones, who are benefitting the company every second of every day.
“Ignorance is bliss, y’all. People don’t need to hear all that fuss about our maybe-questionable working conditions. What would happen to my sales bonus—I mean the greater good of Amazon, if they did?!” said Don T. Namemi, a marketing executive at Amazon that we confirmed was fired immediately following this interview.
Instead, what the public knows because Amazon wants them to is that CEO Jeff Bezos has donated some money to alleviate COVID’s impact, namely $100 million (0.05 per cent of his wealth) to Feeding America to support food banks across the U.S. In the spirit of “philanthropy,” he also put up a relief fund that welcomes donations from average citizens to help his own company’s partners and associates who are under “financial distress” from the pandemic.
“While we aren’t expecting anyone to do so, you can make a voluntary donation to the fund if you desire to,” says the fund website. “But if we as a trillion-dollar company don’t have to spend any more money than necessary that would be dope.”
The thing is, Bezos’ net worth has seen an 80 per cent increase since mid-March and is at a record high right now: just under $190 billion.
Jones gave $15, or as she describes it, “the small price of my go-to #SpookySzn Starbucks drink: a grande no ice pumpkin spice latte with quadruple caramel and -20 per cent vegan cream.”
In a message to all employees back in March, Bezos said enhanced, rigorous cleaning is being enforced at all Amazon facilities. Anyone with a little common sense would think all their available resources would be effectively put to use, like the packs of AmazonBasics cotton washcloths lying around warehouses that cost eight cents to make in bulk. But rumour has it that Bezos was fuming at the idea of being dethroned as the world’s richest person and announced he would charge any employee who dares to touch the towels double their retail price to “make a solid example of thievery.”
Jones thinks Amazon is “SO generous” for frequently rolling out steep deals that “help us all save big time.” But as of July, the company’s revenue had increased by 40 per cent from last year. While rival brick-and-mortar retailers have had to close their doors—with many even going out of business—Amazon is thriving and literally profiting off the pandemic. The company plans to hire for 100,000 new roles to meet a level of demand never before seen in its 26-year history.
“This was another highly unusual quarter,” commented Bezos following the release of Amazon’s second quarter financial results.
Earlier this week, in a tastefully designed e-newsletter sent monthly to Prime members, Bezos (or his ghost-writing secretary, we can’t exactly tell) said:
“These are without a doubt unprecedented times, but we are here for you. We’re all in this together.”
According to Ryerson professional communications instructor Capri Tolizam, the statement sounds “studied, perfunctory, automatic” and “like something every other corporate giant has said at least once about the pandemic.”
Nonetheless, Jones was gushing about the note, saying it gave her “all the feels.”
“To hear that such a powerful company is working towards better days for everybody has literally cured my anxiety,” said Jones. “Of course the world’s richest internet empire will be able to make a greater impact than our collective effort, like, I bet they have a vaccine close to completion. So I’m buying Coachella 2021 tix with a new bandana top tonight because I can feel normal life as we know it will make a comeback real soon.”
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.
“While we aren’t expecting anyone to do so, you can make a voluntary donation to the fund if you desire to,” says the fund website. “But if we as a trillion-dollar company don’t have to spend any more money than necessary that would be dope.”
The thing is, Bezos’ net worth has seen an 80 per cent increase since mid-March and is at a record high right now: just under $190 billion.
Jones gave $15, or as she describes it, “the small price of my go-to #SpookySzn Starbucks drink: a grande no ice pumpkin spice latte with quadruple caramel and -20 per cent vegan cream.”
In a message to all employees back in March, Bezos said enhanced, rigorous cleaning is being enforced at all Amazon facilities. Anyone with a little common sense would think all their available resources would be effectively put to use, like the packs of AmazonBasics cotton washcloths lying around warehouses that cost eight cents to make in bulk. But rumour has it that Bezos was fuming at the idea of being dethroned as the world’s richest person and announced he would charge any employee who dares to touch the towels double their retail price to “make a solid example of thievery.”
Jones thinks Amazon is “SO generous” for frequently rolling out steep deals that “help us all save big time.” But as of July, the company’s revenue had increased by 40 per cent from last year. While rival brick-and-mortar retailers have had to close their doors—with many even going out of business—Amazon is thriving and literally profiting off the pandemic. The company plans to hire for 100,000 new roles to meet a level of demand never before seen in its 26-year history.
“This was another highly unusual quarter,” commented Bezos following the release of Amazon’s second quarter financial results.
Earlier this week, in a tastefully designed e-newsletter sent monthly to Prime members, Bezos (or his ghost-writing secretary, we can’t exactly tell) said:
“These are without a doubt unprecedented times, but we are here for you. We’re all in this together.”
According to Ryerson professional communications instructor Capri Tolizam, the statement sounds “studied, perfunctory, automatic” and “like something every other corporate giant has said at least once about the pandemic.”
Nonetheless, Jones was gushing about the note, saying it gave her “all the feels.”
“To hear that such a powerful company is working towards better days for everybody has literally cured my anxiety,” said Jones. “Of course the world’s richest internet empire will be able to make a greater impact than our collective effort, like, I bet they have a vaccine close to completion. So I’m buying Coachella 2021 tix with a new bandana top tonight because I can feel normal life as we know it will make a comeback real soon.”
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.
