Shocking!
Annoying white man turns on camera, lives in mansion

While some students say “camera on” policies in online lectures are unfair as low-income students may not be comfortable with sharing their living space, one student is experiencing this unease on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Politics professor Paul Litticks was in for the shock of his life when he instructed third-year history student Chadleigh Bersailles to turn on his camera. When he did, some students let out an audible gasp, as it was surprising for them to see Bersailles’ housekeeper cleaning his massive bedroom with silk bedsheets and a solid gold bedframe in the background.

“The timing of Chadleigh’s housekeeper appearing on camera was a godsend for me,” said Litticks, who received tenure two years ago. “MY housekeeper just quit, and Chad was able to recommend the cleaning company his family uses.”

While some students say “camera on” policies in online lectures are unfair as low-income students may not be comfortable with sharing their living space, one student is experiencing this unease on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Politics professor Paul Litticks was in for the shock of his life when he instructed third-year history student Chadleigh Bersailles to turn on his camera. When he did, some students let out an audible gasp, as it was surprising for them to see Bersailles’ housekeeper cleaning his massive bedroom with silk bedsheets and a solid gold bedframe in the background.

“The timing of Chadleigh’s housekeeper appearing on camera was a godsend for me,” said Litticks, who received tenure two years ago. “MY housekeeper just quit, and Chad was able to recommend the cleaning company his family uses.”

“I’m definitely less than stunned to see that he’s the type to have a collection of empty Ciroc bottles and a ‘Saturdays are for the boys’ flag over his bed which has a Travis Scott McNugget Pillow™ on it,” said fourth-year English student Stephanie Meyers.“It’s almost as cliche as my philosophy-bro ex-boyfriend who didn’t have a bedframe and only drank shitty whiskey.”

Bersailles was also recognized by some as the guy who once said he was “Fiscally conservative but socially liberal.” During a class conversation about legal cannabis, he also admitted that he prefers Ontario Cannabis Store weed, because “at least they don’t charge $30 a gram like my plug did.”

Even Litticks himself couldn’t contain his bewilderment. “You know Chadleigh, if you thought we would think differently of you because of your upbringing, you should have just told us! Your experience growing up with an indoor pool bought with your dad’s law firm’s money is nothing to be ashamed of.”

A scoff then came from the microphone of Aysha Syed—just two weeks ago, the same professor complimented her “exotic” living room. Bersailles piped in that day when Syed began to look visibly uncomfortable and said “Oh come on! How was he supposed to know THAT would be offensive? Don’t worry about it sir, some people just can’t take a compliment. You really can’t say anything these days.”

Because of this experience, Syed says she wasn’t as shocked as others in the Zoom call. “The only time I ever care about what he has to say is when I don’t do my readings and he recites them word-for-word.” Syed then took a second to re-cuff her jeans. “I don’t understand how he can try to correct everyone who uses the wrong variation of their on the class D2L discussion board but refuse to accept that the singular ‘they’ is a grammatically correct pronoun.”

Once the initial shock had blown over, Litticks continued his lecture. But when a conversation about Ontario’s handling of the second wave was broached, Bersailles didn’t stay quiet for long. “People can still do whatever they want; the government is only giving suggestions right now. I for one am going to my grandma’s for Christmas, or ‘the holidays’ as the libs call it,” he sneered. “Besides, the numbers may be higher, but the percentages are lower.” When Syed tried to interject, he said “Hey, the facts don’t care about your feelings.”

Warren Crocs, a fourth-year fashion student, decided at that moment to speak up. “Hey Chadleigh, if the facts don’t care about our feelings, how come you become extremely defensive whenever someone says they’re pro-choice, even though you’re a cisgendered man?”

Bersailles’ face instantly went red.

“I’m definitely less than stunned to see that he’s the type to have a collection of empty Ciroc bottles and a ‘Saturdays are for the boys’ flag over his bed which has a Travis Scott McNugget Pillow™ on it,” said fourth-year English student Stephanie Meyers.“It’s almost as cliche as my philosophy-bro ex-boyfriend who didn’t have a bedframe and only drank shitty whiskey.”

Bersailles was also recognized by some as the guy who once said he was “Fiscally conservative but socially liberal.” During a class conversation about legal cannabis, he also admitted that he prefers Ontario Cannabis Store weed, because “at least they don’t charge $30 a gram like my plug did.”

Even Litticks himself couldn’t contain his bewilderment. “You know Chadleigh, if you thought we would think differently of you because of your upbringing, you should have just told us! Your experience growing up with an indoor pool bought with your dad’s law firm’s money is nothing to be ashamed of.”

A scoff then came from the microphone of Aysha Syed—just two weeks ago, the same professor complimented her “exotic” living room. Bersailles piped in that day when Syed began to look visibly uncomfortable and said “Oh come on! How was he supposed to know THAT would be offensive? Don’t worry about it sir, some people just can’t take a compliment. You really can’t say anything these days.”

Because of this experience, Syed says she wasn’t as shocked as others in the Zoom call. “The only time I ever care about what he has to say is when I don’t do my readings and he recites them word-for-word.” Syed then took a second to re-cuff her jeans. “I don’t understand how he can try to correct everyone who uses the wrong variation of their on the class D2L discussion board but refuse to accept that the singular ‘they’ is a grammatically correct pronoun.”

Once the initial shock had blown over, Litticks continued his lecture. But when a conversation about Ontario’s handling of the second wave was broached, Bersailles didn’t stay quiet for long. “People can still do whatever they want; the government is only giving suggestions right now. I for one am going to my grandma’s for Christmas, or ‘the holidays’ as the libs call it,” he sneered. “Besides, the numbers may be higher, but the percentages are lower.” When Syed tried to interject, he said “Hey, the facts don’t care about your feelings.”

Warren Crocs, a fourth-year fashion student, decided at that moment to speak up. “Hey Chadleigh, if the facts don’t care about our feelings, how come you become extremely defensive whenever someone says they’re pro-choice, even though you’re a cisgendered man?”

Bersailles’ face instantly went red.

“I’m sorry Professor Litticks, but if you’re going to let students call me NAMES in class, I refuse to have my camera on. If this happens again, you’ll be hearing from my father.”

After feeling like he had been shamed for his wealth even though he’s never had a real job, Bersailles was never seen on camera in class again. However, he continues to participate off camera by cutting off students in the middle of a sentence and saying his “computer must be lagging” despite having bought a new Macbook every academic year since Grade 9.

The last time Bersailles’ face was spotted was on the popular subreddit r/PublicFreakout, as he was videotaped assaulting a minimum-wage retail worker who he says was “trying to take [his] rights away” by asking him to put on a mask.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.

“I’m sorry Professor Litticks, but if you’re going to let students call me NAMES in class, I refuse to have my camera on. If this happens again, you’ll be hearing from my father.”

After feeling like he had been shamed for his wealth even though he’s never had a real job, Bersailles was never seen on camera in class again. However, he continues to participate off camera by cutting off students in the middle of a sentence and saying his “computer must be lagging” despite having bought a new Macbook every academic year since Grade 9.

The last time Bersailles’ face was spotted was on the popular subreddit r/PublicFreakout, as he was videotaped assaulting a minimum-wage retail worker who he says was “trying to take [his] rights away” by asking him to put on a mask.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.