All cops can’t be bastards

Police abolition, a once lesser known movement, has recently become widely accepted. In other words, it’s no different from climate change—another activism trend for hipsters to hop on. All these TikToks saying “All Cops Are Bastards” just make me frown. After all, it’s unfair to the good apples when we judge them based on the actions of a single bad apple. My uncle, for example, is the best apple. He’s an apple so good your granny would put it in her signature apple crumble—he’s a responsible officer, proud father, a loving family member and a loyal citizen of ‘Ford Nation.’

Although he was barely ever invited to any of our family gatherings, and my mom blocked him on Facebook after he sent her aggressive messages for sharing a post about Black Lives Matter, I can assure you he’s a great guy.

He’s a man with ambition. In his younger years, he was deeply inspired by the heroic acts of John McClane and decided to join the police force after watching Die Hard 100 times. Even though cop movies can be unrealistic, and they exaggerate, romanticize and over-glorify an institution that’s inherently violent, racist and sexist, we can all agree that Die Hard is a classic. My dad said he can still remember my uncle’s tears vividly when he learned that Alan Rickman, who played the antagonist Hans Gruber in Die Hard, died in 2016.

“He empathizes with villains such as Hans Gruber and Severus Snape, even though they’re fictional,” said my dad. “It just proves how tender his heart is and how much he can really understand where people are coming from.”

Like my uncle, most cops are not violent. Oftentimes they’re like Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons—a donut in one hand, coffee in the other hand, leaning on their police cars and chilling with their bros even though they’re supposed to be on duty.

When cops are selflessly maintaining the thin blue line between order and chaos, carding, wellness checks and other measures are just tactics they use to ensure individuals are safe. Despite what the liberal snowflakes will tell you, carding is nothing but an “investigative tool.” A report from Justice Michael Tulloch stated that random street checks are ineffective, with little to no tangible results for solving crime. Think about the amount of time and effort the police put in to do street checks to keep everyone safe, when there are other ways to gather and use data much more effectively. That’s dedication right there.

Wellness checks, on the other hand, are how cops show they care. Of course, they aren’t trained mental health professionals and there are no guidelines for them, so they don’t know how to respond to mental health crises—still, that doesn’t stop them from responding to calls anyways. It’s so considerate and a great example of community care.

Police abolition, a once lesser known movement, has recently become widely accepted. In other words, it’s no different from climate change—another activism trend for hipsters to hop on. All these TikToks saying “All Cops Are Bastards” just make me frown. After all, it’s unfair to the good apples when we judge them based on the actions of a single bad apple. My uncle, for example, is the best apple. He’s an apple so good your granny would put it in her signature apple crumble—he’s a responsible officer, proud father, a loving family member and a loyal citizen of ‘Ford Nation.’

Although he was barely ever invited to any of our family gatherings, and my mom blocked him on Facebook after he sent her aggressive messages for sharing a post about Black Lives Matter, I can assure you he’s a great guy.

He’s a man with ambition. In his younger years, he was deeply inspired by the heroic acts of John McClane and decided to join the police force after watching Die Hard 100 times. Even though cop movies can be unrealistic, and they exaggerate, romanticize and over-glorify an institution that’s inherently violent, racist and sexist, we can all agree that Die Hard is a classic. My dad said he can still remember my uncle’s tears vividly when he learned that Alan Rickman, who played the antagonist Hans Gruber in Die Hard, died in 2016.

“He empathizes with villains such as Hans Gruber and Severus Snape, even though they’re fictional,” said my dad. “It just proves how tender his heart is and how much he can really understand where people are coming from.”

Like my uncle, most cops are not violent. Oftentimes they’re like Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons—a donut in one hand, coffee in the other hand, leaning on their police cars and chilling with their bros even though they’re supposed to be on duty.

When cops are selflessly maintaining the thin blue line between order and chaos, carding, wellness checks and other measures are just tactics they use to ensure individuals are safe. Despite what the liberal snowflakes will tell you, carding is nothing but an “investigative tool.” A report from Justice Michael Tulloch stated that random street checks are ineffective, with little to no tangible results for solving crime. Think about the amount of time and effort the police put in to do street checks to keep everyone safe, when there are other ways to gather and use data much more effectively. That’s dedication right there.

Wellness checks, on the other hand, are how cops show they care. Of course, they aren’t trained mental health professionals and there are no guidelines for them, so they don’t know how to respond to mental health crises—still, that doesn’t stop them from responding to calls anyways. It’s so considerate and a great example of community care.

During protests, the best thing cops can possibly do is use non-lethal force on protesters. How much harm can riot control agents such as pepper spray or tear gases do? Exposure to riot control agents only produces minor side effects such as eye irritation, coughing, shortness of breath, or even vomiting.

OK, long-lasting exposure may also cause serious health complications such as glaucoma, blindness, chemical burns and respiratory failure.

Let’s also talk about former police chief Julian Fantino, who once said legalizing marijuana is equivalent to legalizing murder. After he arrested and criminalized all the potheads, he had a taste of the good stuff and realized how life-changing marijuana truly is—so he decided to run his own medical marijuana company.

His company is here to provide legal cannabis and he isn’t doing it for profit—he’s just doing it to benefit people’s health! What a hero.

The police force is trying their best. Especially the public relations department, who are doing all they can to erase the police’s horrible reputation. Officers working in public relations deserve a round of applause for the effort they put in to produce such wonderful propaganda. People who want police abolition should imagine a world without the good cops I just mentioned. Imagine how chaotic our world would be without racial profiling, unqualified wellness checks, the use of riot control agents, state-sanctioned violence, criminalization of drug use and unhinged cop relatives who lose it at criticism against Die Hard. I’m sure no one would want that.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.

During protests, the best thing cops can possibly do is use non-lethal force on protesters. How much harm can riot control agents such as pepper spray or tear gases do? Exposure to riot control agents only produces minor side effects such as eye irritation, coughing, shortness of breath, or even vomiting.

OK, long-lasting exposure may also cause serious health complications such as glaucoma, blindness, chemical burns and respiratory failure.

Let’s also talk about former police chief Julian Fantino, who once said legalizing marijuana is equivalent to legalizing murder. After he arrested and criminalized all the potheads, he had a taste of the good stuff and realized how life-changing marijuana truly is—so he decided to run his own medical marijuana company.

His company is here to provide legal cannabis and he isn’t doing it for profit—he’s just doing it to benefit people’s health! What a hero.

The police force is trying their best. Especially the public relations department, who are doing all they can to erase the police’s horrible reputation. Officers working in public relations deserve a round of applause for the effort they put in to produce such wonderful propaganda. People who want police abolition should imagine a world without the good cops I just mentioned. Imagine how chaotic our world would be without racial profiling, unqualified wellness checks, the use of riot control agents, state-sanctioned violence, criminalization of drug use and unhinged cop relatives who lose it at criticism against Die Hard. I’m sure no one would want that.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.