Lachemi reports Rye’s ‘economic health’ looking great despite pandemic

Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi announced on Monday the university’s “long-term economic health” is “looking fuckin’ stellar, thanks for asking” despite the COVID-19 pandemic. Lachemi said online course delivery and the school’s decision to keep tuition rates the same have been absolutely crucial in preserving his $400K salary, as well as the university’s 1,363 other six-figure incomes.

“We understand that these are difficult and often trying times. I know that many institutions, businesses and students are struggling with multiple challenges under COVID-19,” Lachemi said in his announcement. “R.I.P. to them but I’m different.”

Lachemi did not mention anything about Ryerson students’ economic health, nor did he mention their physical, mental, emotional, social or spiritual health.

When informed of the hardships many students are currently struggling with, such as making tuition payments and employment and housing insecurity, Lachemi said “Dammmn haha. That’s crazy.”

“Kerr Hall may look like a high school, but Ryerson is actually a very serious, top-tier post-secondary institution of knowledge,” he continued. “Ryerson students know when they come to Ryerson that one must always put Ryerson’s life above one’s own. This place is worth, like, $140 mil. How much are you worth? $43.75?”

Lachemi told The Eyeopener keeping tuition rates stable is necessary so Ryerson can afford to upkeep vital campus services like the Gould Street stench, cops to protect the Egerton statue and the big tall clock on top of Kerr Hall that goes “Ding” every 15 minutes.

When asked if Ryerson could at least spare students from paying fees for buildings and services they can’t access in a pandemic, Lachemi replied “No <3”

Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi announced on Monday the university’s “long-term economic health” is “looking fuckin’ stellar, thanks for asking” despite the COVID-19 pandemic. Lachemi said online course delivery and the school’s decision to keep tuition rates the same have been absolutely crucial in preserving his $400K salary, as well as the university’s 1,363 other six-figure incomes.

“We understand that these are difficult and often trying times. I know that many institutions, businesses and students are struggling with multiple challenges under COVID-19,” Lachemi said in his announcement. “R.I.P. to them but I’m different.”

Lachemi did not mention anything about Ryerson students’ economic health, nor did he mention their physical, mental, emotional, social or spiritual health.

When informed of the hardships many students are currently struggling with, such as making tuition payments and employment and housing insecurity, Lachemi said “Dammmn haha. That’s crazy.”

“Kerr Hall may look like a high school, but Ryerson is actually a very serious, top-tier post-secondary institution of knowledge,” he continued. “Ryerson students know when they come to Ryerson that one must always put Ryerson’s life above one’s own. This place is worth, like, $140 mil. How much are you worth? $43.75?”

Lachemi told The Eyeopener keeping tuition rates stable is necessary so Ryerson can afford to upkeep vital campus services like the Gould Street stench, cops to protect the Egerton statue and the big tall clock on top of Kerr Hall that goes “Ding” every 15 minutes.

When asked if Ryerson could at least spare students from paying fees for buildings and services they can’t access in a pandemic, Lachemi replied “No <3”

Asked again to elaborate on why students are paying for buildings that aren’t even open, Lachemi said, “We have to clean the buildings or something? Idk like, why are you so obsessed with me?”

Lachemi later backtracked on that quote, explaining students are now paying for the lights to be on all night so him and his admin crew can have freestyle battles in the SLC lobby, “but with the lights kinda dimmed down. Like in the final scene of 8 Mile.”

Third-year media production student Brock Kass said he’s been working as a server at a King Street restaurant in order to make tuition and rent payments. He said he’s extremely concerned about contracting COVID-19 as a result of his minimum wage service job, but added there could be unexpected benefits.

“On one hand, if I catch the coronavirus, my respiratory system and general health and wellbeing would be at risk,” said Kass. “On the other hand, I wouldn’t have to write these midterms or go to Zoom class anymore. It’s the little things.”

Lachemi said even a handful of students getting sick or dropping out as a result of COVID-19 would be “an immeasurable loss for the university.”

“I really need that tuition money,” Lachemi told The Eye. “That’s like four of my cars gone right there. How else am I going to enjoy sick off-road adventures without the 260 lb-ft of torque and 4x4 payload capacity of up to 725 kg offered by my 2020 Jeep Wrangler Sport™?”

He then got into his 2020 Jeep Wrangler Sport™ with legendary off-road performance, four-wheel drive and best-in-class towing capabilities, and began driving away. He could be heard blasting “Girls in the Hood” by Megan Thee Stallion and yelling “BROKE BOYZZ get ya money up SKRRrrrrrrttttt” on his way out.

Just when they thought things couldn’t get any worse, students are reporting the rise of a cult of TRSM bros who have decided to worship Lachemi as their leader, devoting themselves entirely to him for his “stone-cold scamming skills” and for “owning the postmodern-neoliberal-Marxist-feminist-Maoist-snowflake-SJWs.”

“As a person who identifies as a student of the esteemed and highly prestigious Ted Rogers School of Management institution, the concept of lowering prices is actually oppressive to me,” said second-year entrepreneurship student Boo Tillicker. “Why don’t they just get their dads to wire them more funds?”

The group was later seen outside the Ted Rogers building forming a candle-lit pentagram and playing “The Joe Rogan Experience” through a Bluetooth speaker, repeatedly chanting “The market will regulate itself!” in an effort to summon Jeff Bezos.

When reached for comment, Lachemi said in an emailed statement that Ryerson has absolutely zero tolerance for cults or occultist activity of any kind on campus. “But they actually seem pretty chill so idk,” Lachemi said. “You have to consider both sides.”

Asked again to elaborate on why students are paying for buildings that aren’t even open, Lachemi said, “We have to clean the buildings or something? Idk like, why are you so obsessed with me?”

Lachemi later backtracked on that quote, explaining students are now paying for the lights to be on all night so him and his admin crew can have freestyle battles in the SLC lobby, “but with the lights kinda dimmed down. Like in the final scene of 8 Mile.”

Third-year media production student Brock Kass said he’s been working as a server at a King Street restaurant in order to make tuition and rent payments. He said he’s extremely concerned about contracting COVID-19 as a result of his minimum wage service job, but added there could be unexpected benefits.

“On one hand, if I catch the coronavirus, my respiratory system and general health and wellbeing would be at risk,” said Kass. “On the other hand, I wouldn’t have to write these midterms or go to Zoom class anymore. It’s the little things.”

Lachemi said even a handful of students getting sick or dropping out as a result of COVID-19 would be “an immeasurable loss for the university.”

“I really need that tuition money,” Lachemi told The Eye. “That’s like four of my cars gone right there. How else am I going to enjoy sick off-road adventures without the 260 lb-ft of torque and 4x4 payload capacity of up to 725 kg offered by my 2020 Jeep Wrangler Sport™?”

He then got into his 2020 Jeep Wrangler Sport™ with legendary off-road performance, four-wheel drive and best-in-class towing capabilities, and began driving away. He could be heard blasting “Girls in the Hood” by Megan Thee Stallion and yelling “BROKE BOYZZ get ya money up SKRRrrrrrrttttt” on his way out.

Just when they thought things couldn’t get any worse, students are reporting the rise of a cult of TRSM bros who have decided to worship Lachemi as their leader, devoting themselves entirely to him for his “stone-cold scamming skills” and for “owning the postmodern-neoliberal-Marxist-feminist-Maoist-snowflake-SJWs.”

“As a person who identifies as a student of the esteemed and highly prestigious Ted Rogers School of Management institution, the concept of lowering prices is actually oppressive to me,” said second-year entrepreneurship student Boo Tillicker. “Why don’t they just get their dads to wire them more funds?”

The group was later seen outside the Ted Rogers building forming a candle-lit pentagram and playing “The Joe Rogan Experience” through a Bluetooth speaker, repeatedly chanting “The market will regulate itself!” in an effort to summon Jeff Bezos.

When reached for comment, Lachemi said in an emailed statement that Ryerson has absolutely zero tolerance for cults or occultist activity of any kind on campus. “But they actually seem pretty chill so idk,” Lachemi said. “You have to consider both sides.”

Lachemi told The Eye that in a scenario where he were to provide refunds for tuition, Ryerson would need the knowledge students acquired from the semester back from their brains.

“Even with online learning, those students still learned some stuff and that stuff is the property of Ryerson University, so it’s only fair they give it back,” Lachemi explained.

“If you broke little shits want refunds, I expect every shred of knowledge, every insight, every moment of inspiration and personal development gained to be promptly returned.” Luckily for most Rye students, that means their tuition charges may be forgiven entirely, at little to no cost.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.

Lachemi told The Eye that in a scenario where he were to provide refunds for tuition, Ryerson would need the knowledge students acquired from the semester back from their brains.

“Even with online learning, those students still learned some stuff and that stuff is the property of Ryerson University, so it’s only fair they give it back,” Lachemi explained.

“If you broke little shits want refunds, I expect every shred of knowledge, every insight, every moment of inspiration and personal development gained to be promptly returned.” Luckily for most Rye students, that means their tuition charges may be forgiven entirely, at little to no cost.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.