Residence life is the best it has ever been

Ryerson Housing and Residence Life may only be operating at a minimal capacity, but that doesn’t mean students are missing out on the residence experience. Residence Life staff members have been working all semester to find ways to actually improve the residence experience, despite the pandemic.

The most obvious improvement is that each student has their own bathroom in compliance with public health recommendations. By a happy accident, this also means no first years will groggily walk down the hall and enter the bathroom only to find a floormate projectile vomiting Peach Schnapps into the sink.

Students moving into residence are usually greeted with helpful staff, carts that will bruise your ankles at top speed and poorly rehearsed cheers. This year, those cheers were even harder to follow since everyone was mumbling them through their masks. “I couldn’t even figure out what they were shouting,” said Peter Parker, a first-year biology student. “Thank god I had a mask on too. I just tried to raise my eyebrows a lot so they thought I was chanting with them.”

Screens and barriers have been installed throughout residences, including at the front desks to ensure proper distancing between residents and staff. Sameer Noff, a first-year engineering student and soon-to-be evicted residence student, said she’s “really happy to see the barriers at the desks.”

Ryerson Housing and Residence Life may only be operating at a minimal capacity, but that doesn’t mean students are missing out on the residence experience. Residence Life staff members have been working all semester to find ways to actually improve the residence experience, despite the pandemic.

The most obvious improvement is that each student has their own bathroom in compliance with public health recommendations. By a happy accident, this also means no first years will groggily walk down the hall and enter the bathroom only to find a floormate projectile vomiting Peach Schnapps into the sink.

Students moving into residence are usually greeted with helpful staff, carts that will bruise your ankles at top speed and poorly rehearsed cheers. This year, those cheers were even harder to follow since everyone was mumbling them through their masks. “I couldn’t even figure out what they were shouting,” said Peter Parker, a first-year biology student. “Thank god I had a mask on too. I just tried to raise my eyebrows a lot so they thought I was chanting with them.”

Screens and barriers have been installed throughout residences, including at the front desks to ensure proper distancing between residents and staff. Sameer Noff, a first-year engineering student and soon-to-be evicted residence student, said she’s “really happy to see the barriers at the desks.”

Housing and Residence Life has also implemented rigorous and frequent cleaning protocols. Students are happy to hear common surfaces will be cleaned more often, but none are as happy to hear about this than The Stain that has been on the Pitman Hall carpet since 2001.

The Eyeopener failed to receive comment from The Stain after it was determined its smell was just too strong.

Another new rule this year is that masks are required everywhere in residence that’s not a private space. Some students were a little frustrated that they have to put on a mask every time they step out of their rooms, but some are looking on the brightside. “If we’re both wearing masks,” said Dan K. Budd, “it’s going to be way harder for my RA to smell that I just smoked a fat blunt.”

Some students are sad to be missing out on the classic Pitman parties, but Matt Alltale, a first-year law student, is overjoyed. “I was looking forward to calling the RAs every night to complain about the noise,” said Alltale. “Now I just call anytime I see someone not distancing or wearing a mask!”

Many are also happy about the new way meal plans will work. Students who have meal plans will use recyclable take out containers and bring meals back to their rooms. “I’m jealous of first years honestly,” said Anne Ziety, a former residence student. “It was always so hard to find a friend who wanted to eat at the same time and the crippling stress I got from eating alone pretty much ruined all my meals.”

Residence students, like the rest of us, have a weird year ahead. Let’s just hope we can learn from our friends at Western and no one throws a huge party and gets the whole campus sick.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.

Housing and Residence Life has also implemented rigorous and frequent cleaning protocols. Students are happy to hear common surfaces will be cleaned more often, but none are as happy to hear about this than The Stain that has been on the Pitman Hall carpet since 2001.

The Eyeopener failed to receive comment from The Stain after it was determined its smell was just too strong.

Another new rule this year is that masks are required everywhere in residence that’s not a private space. Some students were a little frustrated that they have to put on a mask every time they step out of their rooms, but some are looking on the brightside. “If we’re both wearing masks,” said Dan K. Budd, “it’s going to be way harder for my RA to smell that I just smoked a fat blunt.”

Some students are sad to be missing out on the classic Pitman parties, but Matt Alltale, a first-year law student, is overjoyed. “I was looking forward to calling the RAs every night to complain about the noise,” said Alltale. “Now I just call anytime I see someone not distancing or wearing a mask!”

Many are also happy about the new way meal plans will work. Students who have meal plans will use recyclable take out containers and bring meals back to their rooms. “I’m jealous of first years honestly,” said Anne Ziety, a former residence student. “It was always so hard to find a friend who wanted to eat at the same time and the crippling stress I got from eating alone pretty much ruined all my meals.”

Residence students, like the rest of us, have a weird year ahead. Let’s just hope we can learn from our friends at Western and no one throws a huge party and gets the whole campus sick.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of the article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. It was satire. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people or institutions.